Saturday, February 18, 2012

Twist my words?

This sentence is really bugging me, how can I make it better?



"They deserved to have it thrown in there faces. This was unfair to me, I was the victim, and they deserved what my being unhappy with them would make them feel"



ThankiesTwist my words?
Except for a couple of spelling and punctuation corrections, I think that what you have written is fine. Sometimes we just have to use our own manner of speaking to express what we really feel. You have done that, and done it well, I believe.
Here's how I would write it:



The situation was unfair. I was the victim! They should feel bad because of my unhappiness. They deserve to have it thrown back in their faces!Twist my words?
How about this:



"This entire situation was unfair to me, I was just the victim. Anything feelings resulting from my grief would be well-deserved on their part. They deserved to have this whole thing thrown in their faces!"
I do not care if my being unhappy is upsetting them. I was the victim, It was unfair to me and they deserve to have it thrown in their faces.Twist my words?
First, it should be "their faces," not "there faces."



Action words are better than passive, like "he hurt me" is better than "I was hurt."



What was unfair? Who was being unfair?

I didn't deserve this. They wronged me. They victimized me.



"I am the victim" instead of "I was the victim." Using present tense over past tense brings the issue into the here and now instead of the there and then.



The last part ... do you know whether or not you being unhappy with them made them feel anything at all? Try something like "if they felt bad that I was unhappy, then good, because they deserved it!"



And don't forget that you can emphasize with exclamation points and not be shouting.



Hope I've helped a little :)
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