Sunday, February 12, 2012

Help on a 55 word story?

I have to write a 55 word story for school, for those of you that are unaware a 55 word story is a story which uses only 55 words and has a twist ending. I need honest opinions for this one:

She offered a drink to each of their guests. He loved her. They’d been through so much. Yet, she was still as beautiful as she’d been on their wedding day.

“More water?”

“No, Darling, I’m fine,”

She glanced at her watch. Only an hour until she could leave all these senile people and go home.Help on a 55 word story?
I don't think you built enough of a scene that the last line will qualify as a twist ending. Part of the problem is POV, that is, point of view. It's hard to build any tension in a story when you're jumping from one head to another, You start in her head then the next three sentences are in his and the last one in hers again. I think you need to rework this so that either we're in her head all the time but just don't realize what's coming or let us see a beginning that is all in his head and then the shift to her with the last line.

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